i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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