I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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