Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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