Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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