Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
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He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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