i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
