this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
