So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
