I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
