I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
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Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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