there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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