He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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