I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
