dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
