I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
