Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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