she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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