I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
