I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
