My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
