I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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