i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
