im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
