3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
