Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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