I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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