Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Can Purell be used as lube?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
