It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
