I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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