Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
