I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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