I just saw a hot homeless man
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
