Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
