I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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