So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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