the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
