I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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