it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
