They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
