I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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