I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
