Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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