The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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