I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
