I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
