It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
