So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
