We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
