she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
