I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
