Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
