spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
