My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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