i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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