Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
