I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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