I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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