she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
