you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
this hospital has no fireball
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
