there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
